Getting support

Hope and Donte’s story was created with help from young people at Cherwell School, Oxford and UTC Didcot and highlights signs of a coercive and controlling relationship. SAFE! works with young people like Hope every day. 
If you are struggling to cope with the impact of crime, tell someone what has happened, they might be able to help. To find out more about the support SAFE! provides, check out our website, or get in touch with us directly, and someone will call you back.
You can get immediate help from Childline on their website or by calling on 0800 1111.
Victim Support has information and further help for young victims of crime

Are you in a relationship that might be coercive and controlling?

• Does your boyfriend or girlfriend monitor where you are and who you are with?
• Are you being isolated from friends and family?
• Has your boyfriend or girlfriend stopped you doing activities you previously enjoyed?
• Are you being discouraged from following your dreams?
• Is your boyfriend or girlfriend controlling how you dress and what you eat?
• Does your boyfriend or girlfriend put you down in public?
• Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells around boyfriend or girlfriend?
• Are you made to do things you do not want to do?

If you have answered yes, to some of the questions above, your relationship may be abusive, seek help from a trusted adult or contact one of these organisations
Childline, 0800 1111, https://www.childline.org.uk/
SAFE! 0800 133 7938, http://safeproject.org.uk/
Women’s Aid, https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
For advice on what constitutes a healthy relationship, see our video and advice about Maddie
http://safestories.org/

How to help a friend who you think might be in an abusive relationship

• Let them know that you are there for them and askif they want to hang out with you.
• Notice changes in their behaviour…
• Have they changed how they style their hair or how they dress?
• Have they stopped doing things that they used to love?
• Be careful in how you approach conversations about these changes. Find ways to gently let them know that you feel things may not be okay in their relationship.
• Listen to your friend, be supportive, give them space to think about what is happening and to speak about it.
• Remember this is about your friend and not you.

How to move on from a relationship that does not feel right

• Trust your gut instincts
• Look at your relationship objectively – note down the good and the bad things
• Acknowledge and name the problems in the relationship
• Speak to a trusted adult
• Write about the relationship, be honest about the good times and the bad times
• Writing about it can help you look at it more critically and help work through the different feelings you may experience
• Go back to activities and hobbies that you enjoyed doing before the relationship started
• Check in with friends you may not have spent time with recently.
• Practice self-care
• Seek help from an organisation like SAFE!

Getting support

Hope and Donte’s story was created by young people in Oxfordshire schools and it illustrates an example of an unhealthy relationship.  SAFE! often works with young people like Hope who need support to rebuild their confidence and self-esteem after a damaging relationship.
If can be hard to ask for help if you think that you might be treating someone badly in a relationship.  If you recognise that the way that you have behaved is wrong then this is the first step to making changes. Sometimes the ways that we have been treated in the past can impact the way that we treat others, but this shouldn’t excuse the way you choose to behave.  Remember, your behaviour is a choice which you can learn to control.  Talk to a trusted adult at home, school or college about how you are feeling.
You can get immediate help from Childline on their website www.childline.org.uk or by calling on 0800 1111. 

The law and domestic abuse relationships for young people

In April 2013 the domestic violence definition was strengthened to include coercion and control in romantic relationships for those 16 years and older.  Each local police force has developed their own policy for intimate relationships for those under 16 years old. In the Thames Valley area, where SAFE! works, the policy is that a domestic incident includes intimate partners irrespective of their age. It is a crime that can affect anyone regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. Therefore, anyone over the age of criminal responsibility (i.e.10 years old) can legally either be the victim or the perpetrator of coercive and controlling behaviour.
In July 2020 the Domestic Abuse Bill was voted through by the House of Commons. The Domestic Abuse Bill once implemented as Law will give more rights to victims.

What to do if I am jealous

• Acknowledge and name your feelings of jealousy.
• Try to understand where the feelings of jealousy come from.
• Speak to a trusted adult about your feelings of jealousy.
• Give your boyfriend or girlfriend the space to be themselves, and use this extra space to develop your own interests.
• Try the elastic band trick. Put an elastic band around your wrist and each time you notice a feeling of jealousy creep up, acknowledge it and ping the elastic band.
• Try to talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about the feelings of jealousy. If you can get into the habit of talking about them as soon as you notice them, it will control the negative spiral of jealousy.

How to trust again, if you have been hurt in the past

• Embrace vulnerability. Don’t close up your emotions, it won’t help you.
• Building a protective wall around your emotions will mean you won’t be able to talk about your feelings in the future.
• To practice feelingvulnerable, speak to a close friend or family member about how you have been hurt in the past.
• Be honest with your boyfriend or girlfriend about your previous experiences and how you now have issues with trust.
• Acknowledge your feelings, ignoring them will not help you move on in a positive way.
• Before you learn to trust others, you need to learn to trust your own judgements and instincts.

Getting support

Rob and Tyrone’s story was created with the help from young people at Cherwell School, Oxford and UTC, Didcot. SAFE! works with young people like Tyrone every day. 
If you are struggling to cope with the impact of crime, tell someone what has happened, they might be able to help. To find out more about the support SAFE! provides, check out our website, or get in touch with us directly, and someone will call you back.
You can get immediate help from Childline on their website or by calling on 0800 1111.
Victim Support has information and further help for young victims of crime

How to help a friend who is involved in drug exploitation

• Let your friend know that you are there for them, check in on them, invite them to hang out with you. Let them know they can talk to you.
• Observe and acknowledge changes in your friend’s behaviour.
• Talk to a trusted adult about your concerns and share your observations.
• Do not take on the drug dealers yourself, this could negatively escalate the situation.
• Report drug exploitation to the Police by telephoning 101 or reporting online at https://www.police.uk/101/or 999 if someone is in immediate danger, or anonymously on the Fearless website https://www.fearless.org/en

Different words/terms associated with drug exploitation

• Cuckooing – this is when a drug gang takes over a vulnerable person’s home.Then may do this by encouraging a friendship, through threat or intimidations. Drugs may be produced and or sold from the house.
• Stash House – an area or house frequented by drug dealers
• Stuff/plug – to hide and carry drugs inside your body - usually your rectum or vagina
• Going Country – Travelling from one area to another to deliver and sell drugs.
• Trapping – this is used to describe selling drugs on the street and moving them from one location to another.

Friend or Foe?

• Why would a grown up want to hang around with children and young people?
• The grown up has given you gifts, why?
• What do they want in exchange?
• How did you meet this grown up? Is their back story legit? Did Paul really know Rob’s older brother?
• What would other trusted adults say about this relationship?

Getting support

Rob and Tyrone’s story was created with the help from young people at Cherwell School, Oxford and UTC, Didcot. SAFE! works with young people like Tyrone every day. 
If you are struggling to cope with the impact of crime, tell someone what has happened, they might be able to help. To find out more about the support SAFE! provides, check out our website, or get in touch with us directly, and someone will call you back.
You can get immediate help from Childline on their website or by calling on 0800 1111.
Victim Support has information and further help for young victims of crime
If you are in immediate danger, call the police by dialling 999.

How to recognise you are being exploited?

• Some questions to consider. If you answer yes to a few of these questions, it is possible that you are being exploited.

  • Are adults or older young people asking you to hang out with them?
  • Have they bought you gifts?
  • Have they asked you to do them a favour?
  • Have you completed tasks for them and then not been paid the agreed amount?
  • Are these people asking you to keep secrets from your family and friends?
  • Have you started spending less time with your friends and family?
  • Are you being encouraged to skip school?
  • Do these people have influence over you?
  • Have you stopped attending groups and activities you previously enjoyed attending?
  • Have you noticed negative changes in your behaviour?
  • Have you started to dress in similar ways to the new people you are hanging out with?
  • Are you being secretive about your online or real life?
  • Have you started taking drugs or using alcohol?
  • Have you been beaten up or experienced injuries that you have had to lie to people about? 

Advice on how to get out of drug exploitation

• Talk to a trusted adult
• Seek help and support from SAFE! or Childline, contact info below.
• Spend time with family and friends you used to hang out with.
• Take a break from social media
• Involve yourself in activities you used to do.

Dangers of carrying a knife

• There are legal consequences to carrying a knife, you could get a criminal record and get four years in prison, even if you have not used the knife.
• If you are caught with a knife at school or in the community you are likely to end up in a lot of trouble.
• Knives can make situations worse rapidly.
• A knife won’t keep you safe.  You could end up being a victim of knife crime, with the knife you are carrying being used against you.
• If you use a knife for self-defence you could seriously injure or even kill someone.
• People who carry knives are more likely to end up in hospital.
• Don’t assume that other people are carrying weapons.  According to the #KnifeFree website, 99% of young people aged 10-29 do not carry a knife.

Getting support

Callum and Charlie’s story was created by young people who have been supported by SAFE! and is based on their experiences.

If you are struggling to cope with the impact of crime or bullying, tell someone what has happened, they might be able to help. To find out more about the support SAFE! provides, check out our website, or get in touch with us directly, and someone will call you back.

You can get immediate help from Childline or by calling on 0800 1111.

Victim Support has information and further help for young victims of crime

If you are in immediate danger, call the police by dialling 999

Coping with online abuse/harassment

• Cyberbullying can be scary, confusing and really knock your confidence.
• Don’t be afraid to tell someone, even if it’s only happened once.
• If you feel safe to do so, tell the person that they have upset you and ask them to stop.
• Block the people who are being abusive or harassing you.
• Report them, on the site or to a trusted adult.
• Talking to someone can make you feel better about what’s happened.
• You can get support online.
• Find out how to keep yourself safe online
• Keep your cool online, respect other people’s views even if they are different to yours.
• If your self-confidence has been knocked, this video has some great tips.
• Or, you can take a look at these 7 tips to feel in control and rebuild your confidence.
• Remember, if things have gone wrong it is never your fault.

Organisations that can help:

Kooth

Ditch the Label

Bullybusters

Young Minds

How to game online safely

• Gaming online is fun but it’s Important to keep yourself safe.
• Gaming online can have dangers
• Some people might not be who they say they are
• Some people might not be nice
• Some people might not be the age they say they are
• Some games might contain things that upset you, like violence
• It might be hard to stop playing
• Some people might try to trick or pressure you into doing something sexual
• Don’t use your real name on blogs, chatrooms or gaming sites.
• Don’t give out personal details, like your name or where you live.
• Be careful not to spend money in games or apps without realising.
• Report any abuse or harassment you receive and block the player.
• Keep gaming friends in the game. If you don’t know them in real life, don’t meet up with them.
• Try to take a break every hour and stop playing if it stops being fun.
• Remember, if things have gone wrong it is never your fault.

Support for children who are sick

• Having an illness can affect your whole life and be really challenging.
• It’s completely normal to feel confused or overwhelmed.
• Being diagnosed can be a shock, and make you feel like your life is on hold.
• It can help to talk with a friend or trusted adult.
• There are other young people going through something similar, and there is always someone you can talk to about it.
• If your body, appearance or what you are able to do changes, be kind to yourself, you and your body are going through a lot but you are still you.
• There are lots of organisations who can help, like Rainbow Trust.
• Over the Wall offer respite camps for seriously ill children and their families.
• If you do not currently have a diagnosis then you and your family can access support from SWAN UK
• Special Effect helps young people with disabilities to be able access computer games but making adaptations to equipment.
• You can get advice and support about your specific condition online.
• Spending a lot of time at home or in hospital can be boring so going online can be a good way to communicate and have fun.
• Just remember is still the real world and your actions matter.

Getting support

Callum and Charlie’s story was created by young people who have been supported by SAFE! and is based on their experiences.

If you are struggling to cope with the impact of crime or bullying, tell someone what has happened, they might be able to help. To find out more about the support SAFE! provides, check out our website, or get in touch with us directly, and someone will call you back.

You can get immediate help from Childline on their website or by calling on 0800 1111.

Victim Support has information and further help for young victims of crime

If you are in immediate danger, call the police by dialling 999

What to do if you are being bullied

• Bullying can happen in lots of different ways and it can feel like there’s no way out.
• It can include name calling, having rumours spread about you, being ignored or left out and being threatened or intimidated into doing something you don’t want to do.
• Bullying can happen anywhere, face to face at home or school, or online through your phone, computer or games console.
• It can be scary, confusing and really knock your confidence.
• Don’t be afraid to tell a friend or trusted adult, even if it’s only happened once.
• What can I do if I’m being bullied?
  • Don’t fight back – you could get hurt or in trouble.
  • Don’t reply to abusive messages – this could make things worse.
  • If the bullying is online, block and report the person.
  • Speak to a friend or trusted adult.
  • Don’t neglect your health or mental wellbeing – remember this is not your fault.
  • If you don’t want to talk to someone in person, there are organisations you can talk to online or over the phone.
  • Look at these 10 top tips to overcome bullying
• If you know somebody that’s being bullied, take a look at these tips on how you can help them.

Organisations that can help:

Kooth

Ditch the Label

Bullybusters

Young Minds

Making friends when you’re somewhere new

• It can be scary making friends when you’re somewhere new.
• It is normal to feel sad, or angry, or scared.
• It can take time to make new friends, don’t be hard on yourself if it isn’t instant!
• If someone is friendly to you, try to be friendly back.
• It’s important to listen to new people and ask them questions.
• Try to smile, even if you’re nervous!
• It doesn’t matter how many friends you have, what matters is having friends you enjoy spending time with.
• Look out for people who have similar hobbies and interests. Lots of friendships start because you have something in common.
• Don’t be afraid to try new things! Clubs, in or outside of school, or volunteering are great ways to meet new people.
• Take a look here for volunteering opportunities where you live. You could also look at the National Citizen Service.

https://www.childline.org.uk/info-advice/friends-relationships-sex/friends/top-tips-making-friends/

https://reach.scot/get-help/im-going-to-a-new-school/

Dealing with anger

• We all feel angry sometimes, and listening to our anger can help keep us safe.
• Problems at home or school, or falling out with friends or family can all make us feel angry.
• Sometimes our anger can be uncontrollable and we don’t know why we’re angry.
• There are ways we can learn to manage this anger so that we don’t put ourselves in dangerous situations or make things worse.
• Anger is a problem if it makes you:
  • Physically or emotionally hurt yourself or someone else
  • Abuse people, in person or online
  • Break things or lose control
  • Get you into trouble
  • Refuse to go to school
• There are things that you can do to help yourself manage this anger:
  • Talk to a friend or trusted adult.
  • Go online and ask for support
  • Learn your early warning signs and understand what triggers your anger
  • Try not to take your anger out on other people
  • Learn ways to calm down, like going for a walk, taking deep breaths or listening to music. There are some great ideas here.
  • Try to stay calm and not to shout so the situation doesn’t get worse.

Organisations that can help:

The Mix

Headspace

VKool

Youngminds

Getting support

Maddie and Mitchell’s story was created by young people who have been supported by SAFE! and is based on their experiences. SAFE! meets young people like Maddie every day, and hears similar stories. Find out what happened next for Maddie.

If you are struggling to cope with the impact of crime, tell someone what has happened, they might be able to help. To find out more about the support SAFE! provides, check out our website, or get in touch with us directly, and someone will call you back.

You can get immediate help from Childline on their website or by calling on 0800 1111.

Victim Support has information and further help for young victims of crime

If you are in immediate danger, call the police by dialling 999

Sexting and the law

• Under 18? It’s against the law for anyone to take or have a sexual photo of you – even if it’s a selfie.
• If you share a sexual photo with someone, you are breaking the law.
• The police have the power to decide whether to take things further.
• If you’re both under 18 and freely consented it’s unlikely that the police would take things further
• If you are over 18 and someone shares a sexualised image of you without your consent they are breaking the law – see Revenge Porn
• If an indecent or nude pic of you is posted online, speak to an adult you trust or to Childline and they will help you sort things out
• If someone online asks you for a nude image, or you have shared a sexual image online and someone has threatened you, you can also report to CEOP

Other websites and places to find out more and get help:

So you got naked online SWGFL toolkit

Childline - Sexting

DisrespectNobody

You can also take part in Oxfordshire County Council’s survey about sexting to help us find out more about how to help young people

Signs of a healthy relationship

• Listen to each other’s feelings, hopes and dreams
• Respect each other and who you both are
• Have an equal partnership where decisions are shared together
• Trust each other -you don’t need to know where each other is all the time
• Give each other space/time to spend alone or with other friends and family
• Respect each other’s sexual boundaries and the right to say no
• Respect each other’s property and privacy
• Do nice things for each other without expecting anything in return
• Accept and respect yourself and expect the same from your partner

Here are some links with more information about healthy relationships:

Cool Not Cool Quiz

LoveSmart - The Mix

ThinkUKnow - Sexual Exploitation

Childline - Healthy and unhealthy relationships

Brook

Be a true friend

• If your friend has sent a nude and it gets shared around, support them and don’t judge them, remember everyone makes mistakes
• If someone sends you a sexualised image, text or video, don’t keep it or send in on to others.
• By joining in with others you are both breaking the law, and putting that person's reputation and self-esteem at risk.
• Think about how you would feel if this happened to you, and be brave enough to go against the crowd

Consent

Understanding consent shouldn’t be confusing. It’s all about making sure each of you has the ability and freedom to make a choice each and every time.

• Ask if it's ok and wait for a positive response
• If your partner is drunk, high, or pressured in any way then they can’t give full consent
• Consider your partner so that you can both relax and enjoy being with each other
• In the UK the law says sexual activity with someone under 16 is a criminal offence
• The law is there to protect young people from exploitation.
• Just because you are 16 years of age (or older) doesn't mean you are ready for sex.
• Wait until you feel ready and are with someone you trust and care for, and who is considerate and respectful of you.

You can find out more about consent by following these links:

The Mix - Sexual consent

Tea Consent

Be a good boyfriend/girlfriend

• It is never OK to make someone do something they don’t want to or to make them feel scared or intimidated.
• Build trust – you shouldn’t need to know where each other is all the time.
• Jealousy is ugly - give each other space/time to spend alone or with other friends and family
• If you hurt or upset someone with your words, take responsibility and say sorry.
• Learn from your mistakes and learn what your partner needs from you
• Try using ‘I statements’ to communicate how you feel to someone who has upset you…
• I feel _______ when you ______ because ______

You can find out more about healthy relationships here:

Healthy Relationships

What is revenge porn?

It’s against UK law to share private sexual photographs and films of someone without their consent and with the intent to cause distress. This is commonly referred to as “revenge porn”. This applies to people over the age of 18. Anyone found guilty of this offence could face a prison sentence of up to two years, a fine or both. Sexting by people under the age of 18 is against the law because it involves sharing a sexual image of a child.

• Don’t ever pressurise someone into sending a sexualised image, text or video
• You will be putting them at risk and you will also be breaking the law
• Remember that once you send an image you lose control over what will happen to it
• Relationships do break down and in the aftermath of a breakdown people can behave badly
• If this happens to you make sure you talk to someone and get support.
• You can also report this to the website where it’s posted and they will take the image down
• Go to the revenge porn helpline for more information and support

How to be a ‘real’ man

Working out who you are can be difficult. Our brains are still developing well into our twenties even once we’ve become adults. Here’s a few tips for the journey.

• Try out new stuff and challenge yourself
• Find out what you’re good at and feel confident doing it
• Be yourself. Don’t feel you have to follow the crowd
• Experiment with your values and give them your own voice
• Respect others and you’ll get respect back
• Mistakes are to learn from
• Don’t suffer in silence – that thing about men not showing emotions is a myth
• Guys need to express their passion and worries too. Talk it out!
• Move on! There’s always another day to put this one in perspective.

Here are a couple of our favourite inspiring messages for men:

Tony Porter's TedTalk 'A Call To Men'

Doc Brown takes down sexism in 13 minutes

How to get support

Bullying, both on and off line, can have a massive impact on anyone. Katie’s experience is all too common. According to the Anti-Bullying survey, 1.5 million young people reported being bullied in 2016. If you have been a victim of bullying, remember that you are not alone, and that you can ask for help. Find out how SAFE! helped Katie.

If you are struggling to cope with the impact of bullying or crime, tell someone what has happened, they might be able to help. To find out more about the support SAFE! provides, check out our website, or get in touch with us directly, and someone will call you back.

You can get immediate help from Childline on their website or by calling on 0800 1111.

Victim Support has information and further help for young victims of crime

If you are in immediate danger, call the police by dialling 999

Tips for good self-esteem

• Believe in yourself and your right to be loved and respected
• Have personal goals and aspirations
• Take pride and acknowledge when you have done something good
• Keep a journal of positive things about yourself, or things you are grateful for
• Challenge yourself to be honest about what you do and don’t want
• This will help you feel in control of the choices in your life
• Take care of yourself and make time to do the things you enjoy
• Understand that you will make mistakes, everybody does, the trick is to learn from them.

Youngminds - Tips for boosting self-esteem and improving your mental health

Youngminds - Looking after yourself

How can I improve my self-esteem?

How to deal with cyber-abuse

• Don’t keep it to yourself or deal with it alone. Tell someone you trust. It can help to talk.
• Don't reply to any nasty messages you receive. Keep the messages that you've been sent so you can show someone.
• Don't share, comment, or like any bullying posts. Sharing or commenting could make the bullying worse.
• Tell a responsible adult or the police if something is serious.
• Remember that things can change. Get help to build your confidence

Here are some links with more help:

Cyberbullying (Online bullying)

Childline - Building confidence after online bullying

Is it a crime?

There isn’t a specific law against cyberbullying but cyberbullying does break lots of laws:

• Protection from Harassment Act 1997
• Communications Act 2003
• Malicious Communications Act 1988
• Public Order Act 1986
• Computer Misuse Act 1990
• Protection of Children Act 1978 (Section 1)

Sometimes young people are prosecuted for cyberbullying. The first person to be prosecuted for posting abuse online was an 18 year old girl and she got 3 months in youth custody after pleading guilty to harassment. So Jess is breaking the law by her behaviour and could get into trouble.

Are you a good friend online?

Because people are one step removed when they communicate online this seems to make it easier to start or join in with negative behaviour. People often say things online that they would never say to someone’s face.

Think about your own behaviour online – are you a good friend?

Have you ever?

• Liked a negative or abusive comment posted by someone else
• Sent on an abusive comment or image posted by someone else
• Justified posting or commenting negatively by saying “It was just a bit of fun” or “we were just having a laugh”

You could take the are you a cyberbully quiz to find out if you are cyberbullying or if you are a good online friend.

Stop and think before you act

Bullying behaviour can have a huge impact on another person that lasts a life time, affecting confidence, relationships and life chances. If you have joined in with negative behaviour think about the following:

• Bullying is behaviour which you have the power to stop. It does not make you who you are
• Is there something going on in your life which you are not happy about or which is making you feel sad or angry?
• Talk to someone about how you feel, don’t bottle it up and take it out on someone else
• Causing pain and hurt in someone else won’t take your pain away
• If you choose to be kind you may feel better about yourself
• Work on building your own self-esteem and confidence
• If you realise you have bullied someone, stop and say sorry

More advice on how to stop bullying:

NHS - How can I stop being a bully?

Ditch the label - How to stop bullying others